The Museum of Modern Art's Film Screenings: A Modest Proposal

I hesitate to bring this up, because it's such a good deal and I don't want it to become any more popular than it is, but a $75 annual membership at New York City's Museum of Modern Art entitles you to see an average of four films a day—except Tuesdays, when the museum is closed—for free.

What's the catch? You have to view these films with a very dicey audience. Someone recently derided the MOMA film denizens as "retirees with respiratory problems." My complaint goes much further, although it is truly unsettling to witness the noise an unhealthy human body is capable of making while not in motion. During screenings at MOMA's two theaters I was once assaulted, and a friend of mine was groped by an old man sitting next to her. A large proportion of the film viewers do not wash very often. One audience member, an older woman who looks relatively sane, sits and curses; another laughs too loudly at things that aren't funny; one man talks out loud to himself and harasses people during the screenings; at almost every film I have attended, a man wearing a bad wig wanders in late and clips his nails; a homeless woman rummages through her bags; a sweet-looking woman pours a pile of hard candies into her lap and opens them noisily during the film; another woman tells you on numerous occasions that you have stolen her seat. It is not uncommon to have a screening interrupted by two audience members who begin to argue. Many people bring a smelly lunch or dinner, although food and drink are forbidden. (These theaters do not sell popcorn, soda, or candy.) I once encountered an exquisitely dressed gigolo at a screening of a Rossellini film; when his elderly client went off to use the ladies' room, the gigolo began to chat me up—perhaps in an effort to drum up business. About forty people use the theaters to catch up on sleep, and snore throughout the film. (It was one of the sleepers who hit me when I unwittingly leaned forward in my seat, and he thought I was moving in to steal his coat! This was a seventy-five-year-old man at a screening of a documentary about Sonic Youth. He was there only to take a quick nap in a warm place.)

And I haven't even mentioned the colorful so-called "stars" of Cinemania, the documentary released a few years ago about some of New York's film diehards, who still frequent the MOMA theaters.

There is one prime seat that is safe, a lone chair behind the orchestra in an area designated for wheelchair patrons. But try getting this seat. I have arrived forty minutes early to find it already occupied, but once in a while it is free. If it is, the film experience will be relatively smooth. If it isn't, I am on high alert. You never know who might sit next to you or what they might do.

I have a friend who says he can ignore all that is around him at these films. I am perhaps too thin-skinned for the place. It has to be a very special film for me to dare to enter these theaters; this is a shame since something worthwhile plays here almost every day. And, in this economy, it's great to be able to see a free film whenever you need the distraction. Yet it's the free issue that is the root cause of the motliness of the audience. (There is also a wonderful usher/guard, who acts as a bit of an enabler to these people. He knows just how to quiet down the crazy guy who starts yelling during screenings, and I once saw him bring in a folding chair for the homeless woman when she couldn't find a seat at a crowded screening.)

The MOMA film curators are fully aware of the issues; once in a while an announcement is made about rustling bags and the no-eating policy, and the usher patrols the theater during the film to keep order. As with most crackdowns, this one never lasts. But I have a possible solution: MOMA should start charging a token amount for film screenings. A two- or three-dollar admission might keep out the people who sit through films that don't interest them. Even better, MOMA could continue free screenings in the smaller Titus 2 theater, and those using the museum as a way station could hang out there. It may sound harsh to suggest corralling these people in a separate area, but I defy anyone who has experienced MOMA's regular film audience to be more charitable.